to my dear friends who have lost your loved ones, i would like to ask you, did you ever get any dreams of your lost loved ones before they departed from this world?
26 years i have lived and i have lost my grandfathers (i was affectionately attached to the one from my mother’s side) and my uncle who’s my father’s second youngest brother and the most problematic child in his family.
my mother’s father died in 1996. two weeks before he died, he had come to stay with my family for a few weeks and i will never forget the day that we had our last conversation together.
his glory days as a soldier during WW2 and when Peninsular Malaya was under the occupation of the Communist, the days he had spent with Datuk Mahathir selling pisang goreng, how the Sultan Perak at that time was cruel to his family…
hahahah, yeah, all his stories did sound like they were too good to be true. but i enjoyed every single of his stories. i did not care whether they were lies or not. i did not even care whether i ought to believe them or not. all i cared was the precious time i was able to spend with my Tok Kama before he went back to Kedah.
then two weeks later, i had a dream….
i was in a place that was covered in total darkness. even though it was so dark that i couldn’t even see my own hands, i knew i was in a very huge place.
i didn’t know what to do. so i waited. i didn’t know how long i waited. it felt like forever but somehow i did not bulge from the place where i stood. i knew somehow that something or somebody was about to come. but i couldn’t figure out what it was.
and then, i saw a silhoutte of a man…a man that i was totally familiar with. bit by bit the silhoutte took form of my grandfather. he was about a few footsteps away from me and once the whole form of grandfather appeared, i could see the big smile he wore on his face.
he looked happy. very happy. he hold out both of his hands towards me.
‘nak pi mana, tok?’ i asked calmly.
Tok Kama continued to smile with his hand held out as if he was asking me to hold them.
i asked him again ‘atok nak pi mana ni?’
then suddenly, my grandfather started to walk backwardly, away from me. he was still smiling and his hands still stretched out towards me.
at that moment, i knew that my grandfather wanted me to hold his hands and follow him. i didn’t know to where but i was sure that he was inviting me to go to a place full of joy and happiness.
i didn’t hesitate at all. i ran quickly towards my grandfather with my hands stretching out trying to grab his hands. but the nearer i tried to get to him, the further he became.
but i didn’t give up. i was totally seduced by my grandfather’s smile. i ran and ran as if i was running for my life, and it was just when my hands were a few centimetres away from his hands that my mother came in to wake me up.
‘Heny, i just got a call. Tok Kama just died.’
it was 4am. and my parents had plan to take us to Temple Park for a picnic that day. and i had been looking so much for that trip. and when i woke up to the news of my grandfather’s death, i didn’t know how to react.
i was nearly about to take his hands…if i had taken his hands, would it be possible that i would have gone to the other world with him…
my hands were shaking and then big tear drops started to wet my pajama.
i was the only one in the family who cried over Tok Kama’s death and also was the only one who had dream of him before he died. my mom, despite that her father had died suddenly, didn’t shed a tear at all. her father was old and she knew that sooner or later, he would go away to leave her for good.
my second grandfather, my father’s father died a few months later after Tok Kama. he had always been fond of my brothers and my younger sister but never once was he fair to me. my father who is the eldest in the family was very attached to him and often went back to visit him during the weekends. he was always strict to me, loved to scold me even when i wasn’t doing anything wrong that i had always hate to balik kampung.
i have never hated this grandfather of mine not even once, for his ill-treatment on me. but i also have never developed any feelings of love towards him. to me, he was just a human that i called Tok Hashim.
Tok Hashim died in my house. i don’t know what actually happened for i was totally ignorant about his condition so i can’t really write that much about him but i can still remember very well, that many relatives from all over Malaysia had come to see him.
the doctor had told my parents that he would die in a day or two, i guess my parents must had informed everyone to come and see him while he was still alive.
my father’s family members were crying like mad. i can still remember how one of my aunts scolded me for having the time to feed my pets and clean my cats’ cages when everyone was in grief.
‘just becoz that Tok Hashim’s dying, it doesn’ mean that i have to neglect my pets!’
i remember shouting back.
i didn’t feel a slightest guilt for saying that to my aunt.
then that night, i could sense somehow that my grandfather was going to go away for good. he was surrounded by families from all sides. there were sobs and the voices of people reciting the Quran.
i didn’t want to be at the time my grandfather gives away his last breath. knowing that it would be cruel not to recite anything for him, i went to my parents’ bedroom and there, i read Yassin for him.
and once i finished reading, i had dozed off to sleep.
i was at the back of my house. i looked around and i saw a number of people carrying some sort of a coffin and these people were trying to find a suitable place to bury it. i don’t know how many times they went around the house to look for a place but it really felt like it could go on forever. i had followed them in silence at first, but in the end, i started to lose my patience.
‘ni saper ni?’ i asked.
‘Tok Hashim’ one of the men answered.
‘ha?’
‘Dia baru meninggal’
and then, my sister came in and woke me up.
‘Tok Hashim baru meninggal.’
my mind went blank for awhile.
my uncle, died last year. a week after the landlord of the house which i am renting right now died.
i was busy with my final year practicals but my mother had been kind enough to inform me day by day of my uncle’s condition.
his health had started to deteriorate two years ago and just early of last year he had been hospitalized for several times.
he was the most problematic child in his family. he’s married to a wonderful wife and had produced five beautiful children but he was always causing chaos. the number of times he had made his sisters cry and his brothers angry would probably be countless. but nevertheless, he was always a person with a cheerful attitude. he was a caring person, and he really cared for his family despite the problems that he always caused on them. maybe that’s why, none of his family members ever hated him.
Pak Teh, as i usually called him, never failed to come and see me whenever i went back to Malaysia. i had always wanted to pay him a visit every time i went back but my balik-kampung was always for a week or two and since it’s compulsory for me to go back to Kelantan to visit my in-laws, i never had the time to see his family.
Pak Teh also never failed to be on the day i returned to Japan. he would bring his family along and he would always be the first person to arrive at the airport.
‘Belajar rajin2. Jadi doktor yg bagus.’ were the words that he would say to me everytime i hugged him before leaving for the gate.
i didn’t dream of Pak Teh on the day he died.
at the time the doctor had given the last word that he would not survive in a day or two, i was having problems of my own.
Danial was just starting to get eczema and i had not been able to get good sleep for almost a week.
i got the call about Pak Teh’s death while i was having a recess from my practical.
i went straight away for the bathroom and i can still remember how i sobbed so misreably, feeling so sad that i wasn’t there to be next to my uncle.
i wanted so much to see him for the last time. despite problems that he had made on his family, his love was priceless…
it happened in mid of august. i was lying on the floor with face facing up the ceiling.
danial was already under the care of my parents and i had another few weeks left before my final exams.
i was feeling so lonely and so misreable. i missed danial and my family so much that i couldn’t concentrate on my studies. i remember how i had wished for the ceiling to come crushed down on me so that my miseries would be put to end.
then suddenly, i felt hands over my shoulder.
someone was hugging me. but i couldn’t figure out who it was.
‘Heny, Pak Teh sure Heny bleh buat. Belajar rajin2 and jd doktor yang bagus’
i quickly woke up.
it felt real, so real. his hands were warm and i could see his smile floating in the air.
tears were running down my cheeks.
and then a week later, i went to study at the library.
i was very tired and almost got fed-up of studying.
i remember that at that time, all i wanted was to go to sleep and never wake up. i wanted to die. if i died, i wouldn’t have to go through all this, i told myself.
after reading a few pages, i must had fallen asleep.
then, again i felt somebody’s hands over my shoulder.
‘Heny, Pak Teh ada to give you support. Belajar rajin2 dan jd doktor yg bagus.’
yes, it felt so real. i woke up with my face smudged in my own tears.
the warmth from his hands, i could still feel it lingering over my shoulders.
am i lucky that i get to see dreams of the people who used to be so important in my life?
i guess i am lucky.
May Allah bless the souls of Tok Kama, Tok Hashim and Pak Teh.
*’Heny, belajar rajin2 dan jd doktor yg bagus’*
sob*sob*
